I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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