Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
