your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
