I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
