if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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