So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
