dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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