I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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