Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
whose ass print is on the piano?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
