No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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