do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
