There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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