Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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