Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
