The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
