Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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