If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
