i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize