hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
