it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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