remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
