you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
