sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
