Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
