i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
