Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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