Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize