idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
