dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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