You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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