something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He has the fingertips of a God
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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