What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize