Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
