Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
