Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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