My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
