it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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