I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
