A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
