I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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