bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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