i barfeds in our rink
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
