I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
