lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
