listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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