i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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