I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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