Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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