I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
