textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
