i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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