I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
