its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
