The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize