New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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