I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
