I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
