He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
