I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Two words: blizzard sex
I DEMAND FORESKIN
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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