i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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